Surviving Your Child as ‘Older’ Parents

In 1984, I attended a seminar at Utstein Monastery in Norway with the Australian psychiatrist Beverly Raphael, a pioneer in disaster psychiatry. One of the things she was particularly concerned about was the grief of older parents who had lost an (adult) child. Through her support work for the bereaved and studies of a train accident that took 83 lives, she pointed out that those who struggled the most afterward were parents who had lost their adult child. I have always kept this in mind when I have met such parents. Although it is almost unethical to compare different losses of children, I would like to highlight how difficult it can be for parents to outlive their own children.

Like other child deaths, this turns the natural order of life upside down. Parents should not outlive their own children. But there is something more that comes in addition. Younger parents can often have another child, and they do. In my doctoral work, I found that of the mothers who lost young children, the majority were expecting a new child within a year after the death. Among those who were not, most wanted to be. For older parents, the mothers are often beyond childbearing age, so the possibility of a new child does not exist. This is especially difficult if the parents lose their only child.

The loss often leads to a sense of meaninglessness and greater difficulty in finding a new footing in life. The loss of old adolescent or adult children can come as an additional burden to increasing challenges with social isolation, a more limited social network, and failing health, with the complications this potentially leads to in grief.

Recently, researchers conducted a comprehensive review (scoping review) of existing research on grief experienced by older parents who have lost children (Bahrevar et al., 2025). Most of the studies included had parents who were older than 65 years. The majority of the studies were conducted in North America and Europe, with some in other continents. Although most of the included studies do not compare older with younger parents, the review shows that a child’s death can have serious consequences in various areas of life, not least the health area, including an increased risk of heart disease and earlier death than for parents who have not lost children. The presence of social isolation, and more hopelessness and suicidal thoughts among the bereaved parents is also noted. These conditions make them more dependent on other family members and support from outside the family. The researchers recommend practical strategies to support the parents, including good follow-up from primary care and referral to psychological follow-up when necessary. Support groups for older bereaved parents are also mentioned as important for reducing social isolation and sharing coping methods.

For older bereaved parents, it can be more difficult than for younger bereaved parents to find new meaning in life. Other children and the arrival of grandchildren are for many an important source of motivation in everyday life. Parents who have other children can emphasize how important they are to them in everyday life and how they make life worth living. Although they do not appreciate others saying, «You have the other children,» because this does not acknowledge the loss they have suffered. They can think this themselves and highlight how the parental role add to life continuing to be meaningful.

It is an important task for professionals to learn more from older parents about how we can best help, and that we adapt the help to the needs the parents have. It is also important to bring understanding into the healthcare system for the unique problems this parent group struggles with, so that they are met with understanding and competence.

Bahrevar, V., Khankeh, H., Morowatisharifabad, M. A., Foroughan, M., & Rashedi, V. (2025). The Grief of Older Parents Over the Loss of a Child: A Scoping Review. Omega, 302228251313828. https://doi.org/10.1177/00302228251313828

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I hope this translation helps! If you need any further assistance, feel free to ask.

The Norwegian text can be read HERE