Atle Dyregrov
Professor emeritus, dr. philos
Spesialist i klinisk psykologi
Klinikk for krisepsykologi, Bergen, Norge
atle@krisepsykologi.no
Sudden deaths usually deprive us of the opportunity to say goodbye. Many wish they had told the deceased how much they meant, or they would have apologized for something they said or did that they wished undone.
Self-blame and guilt can be light and passing, but for some, they dominate their thoughts for a long time. Thoughts that start with «If only…», «Had I only…» are common and haunting. We judge ourselves as if we knew what we now know before the death. With the merciless gaze of hindsight, we demand what we should have thought, done, or said – or avoided thinking, doing, or saying.
We may regret events from long ago, feel ashamed of what we never had the courage to say, or what we actually said. It’s not difficult to understand how this can happen. In everyday life, we rarely live as if each day could be our last. Such intensity would be hard to bear. But afterwards, we accuse ourselves of not acting differently. We want to change our actions and ways of being, but then it’s too late. We feel deprived of the opportunity to express directly how much we appreciated the deceased.
But even if we didn’t get the opportunity while the person was alive, we can symbolically and concretely say goodbye afterwards. We can stand by a stretcher or coffin and formulate farewell words, either within ourselves or aloud, or we can visit a grave and do the same. We can also imagine in our minds that we were present before the moment of death and got to say what we didn’t get a chance to say. If we wish, we can create a ritual framework around this «visit,» for example, with music and candlelight. We can also write down everything we didn’t get to say in a letter placed in the coffin or symbolically burned on the deceased’s grave. In our imagination, we can take our farewells, or at least express our sorrow for it.
Sudden deaths are difficult no matter when in life they occur. Saying goodbye to the deceased is an important step in acknowledging what has happened while establishing and creating a liveable life without the deceased. It can be comforting to know that it is possible to create meaningful farewells, even when life ends abruptly.
